Parenting: Free-range tigers in helicopters?

Throughout June we addressed the four styles that psychologists most often use to classify parents: Authoritative (the best); Authoritarian; Permissive; and Indifferent-Uninvolved (the worst). However, an Internet search reveals that many memes feature controversial styles of parenting whose names are less academic - it seems that everyone is an "expert." So how could so-called Free-range, Tiger, and Helicopter parents relate to psychology's four types?

Free-range parents advocate allowing children to spend time alone: both in the home and outdoors. These parents may equip their children with bracelets that read, "I'm not lost, I'm a free-range kid." The argument behind this parenting is that the risk of kidnapping and molestation has declined but parents' fear of those things has increased resulting in children being constantly supervised by adults. Free-range children are supposed to benefit by having unsupervised time to explore their world and by having to negotiate arguments with other children or other dilemmas on their own.

In the best possible case the Free-range parent could be Authoritative. They would be very loving toward their children but balance that love with age-appropriate rules and consequences. In this case the children would have very clear rules about when and where they could go, their expected behavior when they are out on their own, and an understanding of what age-appropriate and fair consequences would occur if they broke those rules. This would produce a situation where the child is only granted the freedom that he or she can handle based on age and individual maturity. This would also mean that the child is given guidelines for what is acceptable behavior and has had past practice thinking through moral and other types of dilemmas with the parents. Indeed Authoritative parenting teaches age-appropriate independence.

On the other hand, it is also possible that Free-range parents could be Permissive or Indifferent-Uninvolved. A Permissive parent is very loving but has very few rules or consequences for their children. One criticism of Free-range parents is that their children cause problems to property or fight with kids - but when confronted by other parents the children either do not care or state that their parents have said that they do not need to listen to other adults. Children raised by Permissive parents may have bad behavior and also struggle when confronted by situations that include rules.

In the worst-case scenario, Free-range parents could be Indifferent-Uninvolved, meaning that the parents have such little interest in the children that they don't express love to them and they don't bother giving them rules or consequences. Controversy has occurred when concerned neighbors have called the police when they saw Free-range children by themselves. To an outside observer it may be very difficult to tell the difference between a child who is granted more freedom than is the norm and a child who is neglected by his or her parents. Neglected children suffer a host of psychological and developmental problems including substance abuse and trouble with the law.

Another type of parent that seems legendary on the Internet is the so-called Tiger Mother. This type of parenting was highlighted by Amy Chua who suggested that Asian (and certain other immigrant) parents will produce more successful and productive children because they relentlessly push academic and extracurricular activities. Chua is critical of Western parenting's focus on protecting children's self-esteem and of the Western concept that an individual child's likes and dislikes need to be considered.

In relation to psychology, a Tiger parent would most likely be considered to be Authoritarian. This means that the parent does not express a lot of love to the children (even if they feel a lot of love for them) and primarily interacts with them by controlling their behavior through rules better suited to older children and consequences that are harsh. Children parented this way may have low self-esteem and  feel resentful and angry which leads to sneaky, bad behavior when the parent is not around. They may also struggle as adults when they do not have that parent around to tell them what to do.

Recently, there has been a lot of hype about a final type of parent: the Helicopter parent. Features on this topic tend to focus on stories from college professors or administrators who fear that today's young adults are too close to their parents and cannot make any decisions without phoning or texting them. The parents are also criticized for treating their college students as if they were elementary students: even I have been contacted by parents wanting to discuss their adult children's work in my college classes! These news reports about college students usually go on to generalize that parents with small children should not be "too involved," they should not "hover" because children need unsupervised time to work things out on their own, and that they should "allow their kids to fail" - all to prevent them from growing into these adults who cause consternation at university.

It is possible that Helicopter parents are Permissive parents: they are very loving but do not attempt to set limits on their children's behavior; instead they act as if they want to be the kids' friends. In this scenario, the parent has always focused on keeping the child happy - maybe doing their homework for them or assuming that any behavior problems at school are silly things made up by the teachers (their "angel" can do no wrong). As their children become young adults, these parents continue to fail at having age-appropriate expectations for them, so they coddle their college students and intrude into their affairs. Again, Permissive parenting is associated with children who have problems.

On the other hand, if we only consider parents with young children and adolescents, what seems like Helicopter parenting may actually be good, Authoritative parenting. Authoritative parents are very loving toward their children but they have age- and individual- appropriate expectations for their behavior. Average children can have large individual differences, for example, some five-year-olds can be dropped off at a birthday party and have a wonderful time while other five-year-olds still need a parent to stay throughout the party to function. There are also children with hidden struggles such as anxiety or Sensory Processing Disorder:  parents of these children may appear to be hovering or "Hoovering" (vacuuming up any potential problems in the situation) when in fact they are doing what their individual children need to be successful in that situation.

By definition, an Authoritative parent is interested in teaching age-appropriate independence, including how to think through moral dilemmas about behavior. So by definition, an Authoritative parent would not do their children's homework and would not expect their child to avoid failure. Likewise, an Authoritative parent would not intervene in a young adult's life the way that is portrayed in stories about Helicopter parents. Moreover, they would not need to because they have equipped their now grown child to deal with things on their own.

These three pop culture parenting styles bring us back to what we know is associated with the best outcomes for children: lots of expression of love and affection combined with age-appropriate and fair discipline that teaches kids to reason their way through questions of right and wrong. Some Free-range parents and some of who may appear to be Helicopter parents are likely this sort of Authoritative parent.

These pop culture parenting styles also can remind us of what is associated with problems for children. Clearly children who do not receive a lot of love and who are always left to figure out right and wrong on their own will have problems: it is possible that some Free-range parenting may fall into this Indifferent-Uninvolved style. Likewise, we know that parents who just want to be their kids' friends - they are very loving but set very few rules for their children's behavior - are also associated with kids who struggle. It could be that some Free-range parents and the stereotypical Helicopter parent would fit this Permissive profile. Finally, children who are constantly controlled by stern parents who expect too much of them also demonstrate problems. We would expect that Tiger parents may be examples of this Authoritarian category.

Another concern is that parents read about these pop culture styles and stop doing the things we know are good for their children because they don't want to be judged. Taken together the message from Free-range and Helicopter parenting seems to be, "Don't get involved in your child's life; don't help your child." On the other hand the message from Tiger parenting is, "Your child is not an individual, all children can be shaped into adults with high-paying, prestigious jobs if you are involved in all of their choices and control their choices." Not only are those messages conflicting, they get the idea of Involvement wrong.

In psychology, Involvement is not just spending quality time with your children, it is also really knowing who your child is as an individual: their likes/dislikes; their abilities/struggles; and the people and experiences that make up their daily lives. High Involvement is associated with the best outcomes for children and it is usually seen along side of good levels of Warmth and Control.  For example, Authoritative parenting is high in Warmth:  parents who freely expresses love to and try to remain positive with their children are going to be involved in their lives.  Authoritative parenting is medium in Control: to have age- and individual appropriate rules parents need to really know their children, which is high Involvement. Another part of medium Control is having fair, age-appropriate consequences if a rule is broken - to know that a rule has been broken and to know that the punishment is fair the parent has to be involved with their children. Part of this involvement includes dialoguing with older kids and teens about the rules which teaches them to think through moral dilemmas on their own; this is very different than expecting children to mindlessly obey authority figures.

It may not have a trendy name, but Authoritative parenting is the way to go.

Further Reading:

An article in The Atlantic magazine: The real problem with helicopter parents: there aren't enough of them.

WebMD has advice for knowing when your child is ready to stay home alone or to babysit younger children.

The American Psychological Association published a press release: Reducing academic pressure may help children succeed.

Parenting with Poor Style: The Friend

In the film “Mary Poppins” Mr. Banks and his children sing about the characteristics of an ideal nanny.  Mr. Banks would like an Authoritarian caregiver, one who is Low in Warmth and very High in Control like a military sergeant, and the children would prefer somebody who is simply kind, fun, and makes few demands on your behavior…much like a friend. 

Jane and Michael Banks think that the ideal caregiver would be a person who is very High in Warmth yet very Low in Control.  Baumrind described this combination as the Indulgent or Permissive Parent.  Although this parenting style may sound good to most children, this style is not associated with the best outcomes.

Permissive parents get half of the equation right by being High in Warmth.  We know that children do best when parents frequently and overtly express love to them.  So these parents praise their kids when they do something well, they hug and kiss their children and say, “I love you,” and they keep things positive at home to buffer them from the stresses of adult life.  Their children know that they are loved.

 
















Permissive parents fall short when it comes to disciplining their children:  they are too Low in Control.  Part of Control involves setting rules and the ideal, as demonstrated by the Authoritative parent, is having age-appropriate rules that are clearly communicated to the child.  The Permissive parent, like Mrs. George (played by Amy Poehler) from "Mean Girls," may have no rules or very few rules; if there are rules they may be too lenient or inappropriate for the child’s age.  
 

Rules allow us to feel confident:  we don’t have to guess what is right and wrong all of the time and it is easy to know how to be successful.  Children raised with Low Control may feel unsafe or unsure because it is largely up to them to guess what are good or bad choices.  You might have a similar sort of feeling if your professor just said, “Write some sort of paper on a Child Development topic and turn it in.”  You would be nervous because you might guess correctly about the paper’s format, length, topic, and due date and do okay OR you might make mistakes due to lack of information and get a bad grade. It is not clear what you need to do to be successful.

Another aspect of Control has to do with punishments and the ideal that is demonstrated by the Authoritative parent, is having age-appropriate consequences that occur every single time that the rule is broken.  The Permissive parent may not have any consequences or such easy consequences that the child may not mind them.  It is also possible that the parent does not follow through to make sure that a consequence happens:  they are all bark and no bite.  A basic idea from Skinner’s Operant Conditioning is that punishing behaviors will stop them from occurring in the future; without unpleasant consequences children are likely to continue bad behaviors.

These parents may consciously want to avoid influencing their children’s behavior:  maybe they were raised by a very controlling, Authoritarian parent so they have the mistaken idea that any Control is bad.  It may also be that they do not have a good concept of Child Development or they do not spend quality time with their children so they do not know what behaviors they should expect from kids of that age.  You could also imagine that very young parents may still feel like kids themselves, so they literally view their children as their peers and try to be their kids’ friends.  It could also be that parents are too stressed from their adult lives and don’t want to get into an argument with their kids – think about divorced parents who only want to the kids to have fun during their time together. 

Regardless of the reason, the outcome is negative:  as you might imagine the children exhibit high amounts of bad behavior.  When they go to school they may struggle when they are asked to follow rules and deal with consequences.  The goal of discipline is not just to have children behave well while they are young, but it is to socialize children into society so they ultimately will grow up to be productive adults who follow the norms and laws of their culture.  A child raised with Low Control is not getting that socialization.

Another type of parent who is also Low in Control was added by Eleanor Maccoby to Baumrind’s original list of Permissive, Authoritarian, and Authoritative.  Next week we’ll look at this Indifferent-Uninvolved parent who is not only Low in Control, but also Low in Warmth.

Further Reading: 

At your local college library you can access a good historical review of parenting, including Baumrind's three styles: Maccoby, E. E. (1992) The role of parents in the socialization of children: An historical overview. Developmental Psychology, Vol 28(6), 1006-1017.

A Psychology Today blog post by Jay Belsky: "Parent to Child:  I am not your friend (nor should I be)."

Listen to a Speaking of Psychology podcast from the American Psychological Association featuring Alan Kazdin.  After the funky introductory music...a discussion of how to discipline children and teens.