Parenting: Free-range tigers in helicopters?

Throughout June we addressed the four styles that psychologists most often use to classify parents: Authoritative (the best); Authoritarian; Permissive; and Indifferent-Uninvolved (the worst). However, an Internet search reveals that many memes feature controversial styles of parenting whose names are less academic - it seems that everyone is an "expert." So how could so-called Free-range, Tiger, and Helicopter parents relate to psychology's four types?

Free-range parents advocate allowing children to spend time alone: both in the home and outdoors. These parents may equip their children with bracelets that read, "I'm not lost, I'm a free-range kid." The argument behind this parenting is that the risk of kidnapping and molestation has declined but parents' fear of those things has increased resulting in children being constantly supervised by adults. Free-range children are supposed to benefit by having unsupervised time to explore their world and by having to negotiate arguments with other children or other dilemmas on their own.

In the best possible case the Free-range parent could be Authoritative. They would be very loving toward their children but balance that love with age-appropriate rules and consequences. In this case the children would have very clear rules about when and where they could go, their expected behavior when they are out on their own, and an understanding of what age-appropriate and fair consequences would occur if they broke those rules. This would produce a situation where the child is only granted the freedom that he or she can handle based on age and individual maturity. This would also mean that the child is given guidelines for what is acceptable behavior and has had past practice thinking through moral and other types of dilemmas with the parents. Indeed Authoritative parenting teaches age-appropriate independence.

On the other hand, it is also possible that Free-range parents could be Permissive or Indifferent-Uninvolved. A Permissive parent is very loving but has very few rules or consequences for their children. One criticism of Free-range parents is that their children cause problems to property or fight with kids - but when confronted by other parents the children either do not care or state that their parents have said that they do not need to listen to other adults. Children raised by Permissive parents may have bad behavior and also struggle when confronted by situations that include rules.

In the worst-case scenario, Free-range parents could be Indifferent-Uninvolved, meaning that the parents have such little interest in the children that they don't express love to them and they don't bother giving them rules or consequences. Controversy has occurred when concerned neighbors have called the police when they saw Free-range children by themselves. To an outside observer it may be very difficult to tell the difference between a child who is granted more freedom than is the norm and a child who is neglected by his or her parents. Neglected children suffer a host of psychological and developmental problems including substance abuse and trouble with the law.

Another type of parent that seems legendary on the Internet is the so-called Tiger Mother. This type of parenting was highlighted by Amy Chua who suggested that Asian (and certain other immigrant) parents will produce more successful and productive children because they relentlessly push academic and extracurricular activities. Chua is critical of Western parenting's focus on protecting children's self-esteem and of the Western concept that an individual child's likes and dislikes need to be considered.

In relation to psychology, a Tiger parent would most likely be considered to be Authoritarian. This means that the parent does not express a lot of love to the children (even if they feel a lot of love for them) and primarily interacts with them by controlling their behavior through rules better suited to older children and consequences that are harsh. Children parented this way may have low self-esteem and  feel resentful and angry which leads to sneaky, bad behavior when the parent is not around. They may also struggle as adults when they do not have that parent around to tell them what to do.

Recently, there has been a lot of hype about a final type of parent: the Helicopter parent. Features on this topic tend to focus on stories from college professors or administrators who fear that today's young adults are too close to their parents and cannot make any decisions without phoning or texting them. The parents are also criticized for treating their college students as if they were elementary students: even I have been contacted by parents wanting to discuss their adult children's work in my college classes! These news reports about college students usually go on to generalize that parents with small children should not be "too involved," they should not "hover" because children need unsupervised time to work things out on their own, and that they should "allow their kids to fail" - all to prevent them from growing into these adults who cause consternation at university.

It is possible that Helicopter parents are Permissive parents: they are very loving but do not attempt to set limits on their children's behavior; instead they act as if they want to be the kids' friends. In this scenario, the parent has always focused on keeping the child happy - maybe doing their homework for them or assuming that any behavior problems at school are silly things made up by the teachers (their "angel" can do no wrong). As their children become young adults, these parents continue to fail at having age-appropriate expectations for them, so they coddle their college students and intrude into their affairs. Again, Permissive parenting is associated with children who have problems.

On the other hand, if we only consider parents with young children and adolescents, what seems like Helicopter parenting may actually be good, Authoritative parenting. Authoritative parents are very loving toward their children but they have age- and individual- appropriate expectations for their behavior. Average children can have large individual differences, for example, some five-year-olds can be dropped off at a birthday party and have a wonderful time while other five-year-olds still need a parent to stay throughout the party to function. There are also children with hidden struggles such as anxiety or Sensory Processing Disorder:  parents of these children may appear to be hovering or "Hoovering" (vacuuming up any potential problems in the situation) when in fact they are doing what their individual children need to be successful in that situation.

By definition, an Authoritative parent is interested in teaching age-appropriate independence, including how to think through moral dilemmas about behavior. So by definition, an Authoritative parent would not do their children's homework and would not expect their child to avoid failure. Likewise, an Authoritative parent would not intervene in a young adult's life the way that is portrayed in stories about Helicopter parents. Moreover, they would not need to because they have equipped their now grown child to deal with things on their own.

These three pop culture parenting styles bring us back to what we know is associated with the best outcomes for children: lots of expression of love and affection combined with age-appropriate and fair discipline that teaches kids to reason their way through questions of right and wrong. Some Free-range parents and some of who may appear to be Helicopter parents are likely this sort of Authoritative parent.

These pop culture parenting styles also can remind us of what is associated with problems for children. Clearly children who do not receive a lot of love and who are always left to figure out right and wrong on their own will have problems: it is possible that some Free-range parenting may fall into this Indifferent-Uninvolved style. Likewise, we know that parents who just want to be their kids' friends - they are very loving but set very few rules for their children's behavior - are also associated with kids who struggle. It could be that some Free-range parents and the stereotypical Helicopter parent would fit this Permissive profile. Finally, children who are constantly controlled by stern parents who expect too much of them also demonstrate problems. We would expect that Tiger parents may be examples of this Authoritarian category.

Another concern is that parents read about these pop culture styles and stop doing the things we know are good for their children because they don't want to be judged. Taken together the message from Free-range and Helicopter parenting seems to be, "Don't get involved in your child's life; don't help your child." On the other hand the message from Tiger parenting is, "Your child is not an individual, all children can be shaped into adults with high-paying, prestigious jobs if you are involved in all of their choices and control their choices." Not only are those messages conflicting, they get the idea of Involvement wrong.

In psychology, Involvement is not just spending quality time with your children, it is also really knowing who your child is as an individual: their likes/dislikes; their abilities/struggles; and the people and experiences that make up their daily lives. High Involvement is associated with the best outcomes for children and it is usually seen along side of good levels of Warmth and Control.  For example, Authoritative parenting is high in Warmth:  parents who freely expresses love to and try to remain positive with their children are going to be involved in their lives.  Authoritative parenting is medium in Control: to have age- and individual appropriate rules parents need to really know their children, which is high Involvement. Another part of medium Control is having fair, age-appropriate consequences if a rule is broken - to know that a rule has been broken and to know that the punishment is fair the parent has to be involved with their children. Part of this involvement includes dialoguing with older kids and teens about the rules which teaches them to think through moral dilemmas on their own; this is very different than expecting children to mindlessly obey authority figures.

It may not have a trendy name, but Authoritative parenting is the way to go.

Further Reading:

An article in The Atlantic magazine: The real problem with helicopter parents: there aren't enough of them.

WebMD has advice for knowing when your child is ready to stay home alone or to babysit younger children.

The American Psychological Association published a press release: Reducing academic pressure may help children succeed.

Parenting with Poor Style: The Absentee

Diana Baumrind originally conceptualized three types of parents.  The best type, Authoritative, is very loving and uses age-appropriate, fair, predictable forms of discipline. Permissive parents get half of the equation correct – they are very loving to their kids – but they let their kids down by being too laidback when it comes to discipline. Authoritarian parents go awry by not showing their love and by using harsh, unfair discipline that is not age-appropriate.

Eleanor Maccoby added a fourth type of parent who also gets both Warmth and Control wrong:  the Indifferent-Uninvolved parent.  In many ways, these parents seem “checked-out” in their children’s lives:  even if they live with them they act like absentees.

Indifferent-Uninvolved parents are Low in Warmth.  This means that they are serious or gruff toward their kids, they rarely praise their children, they don’t show much affection or say, “I love you,” and if they are stressed out, they take it out on the family.  It may be that they do love their kids but something is preventing them from expressing it – for example, if they are dealing with physical or mental illness.  It could also be that they do not feel love for their children – maybe this was an unwanted pregnancy or they feel resentful for the attention given to the child.

At the same time, Indifferent-Uninvolved parents are Low in Control.  This means that they may not have any rules for their children, or that these rules are better suited for younger kids – they don’t expect enough of their kids.  Even if there are rules, these rules can be easily broken without any real or meaningful consequence. It could be that they have low Involvement with their child, so they don’t know what they should expect of children of those ages, and they aren’t around enough to supervise the children to know a rule was broken.  It may be that the parent is too stressed from his or her own life to be able to enforce these rules.  It could also be that the parent has no interest in these children beyond providing for their basic needs:  what the kids do, good or bad, is not on their radar.

If some problems are associated with Permissive parenting (High Warmth; Low Control) and Authoritarian parenting (Low Warmth; High Control), we see that Indifferent-Uninvolved parenting is associated with the very worst child outcomes.  Children with Indifferent-Uninvolved parents are more likely to have behavior problems as children.  They are also most likely to grow up to have substance abuse issues and problems with the law as teenagers.  This "rejecting and neglecting" style of parenting is associated with serious problems in development.

If you think about it, these children grow up getting nothing from their parents.  With Authoritative parents, kids get two good things:  lots of love and safe boundaries set by adults who are in tune with them.  With Permissive parents, kids get one good thing: lots of love.  With Authoritarian parents, kids get nothing that is ideal but at least the parents show interest in them through their intense policing and discipline.  With Indifferent-Uninvolved parents, children get the message that they are nothing:  unloved and uninteresting.

 Further Reading:

At your local college library you can access a good historical review of parenting, including Baumrind's three styles: Maccoby, E. E. (1992) The role of parents in the socialization of children: An historical overview. Developmental Psychology, Vol 28(6), 1006-1017.

In its extreme, Indifferent-Uninvolved parenting can give way to neglect.  Here is information from the American Psychological Association on "Understanding and Preventing Child Abuse and Neglect."

Psychology Today magazine offers some parental stress management tips, with specific reference to parents of children who have special needs.

Parenting with Poor Style: The Sergeant

Last week we looked at what is considered to be the best type of parent, the Authoritative parent who is like a good coach: High in Warmth and Medium in Control.  This week our topic is another one of Baumrind’s parenting styles: the Authoritarian parent.  The Authoritarian parent is much like a military sergeant:  Low in Warmth and High in Control.

The measure of Warmth has to do with how much parents express love in obvious, noticeable ways to their children.  Authoritarian parents usually love their children very much, but they are Low in Warmth, so they do not show this love very much.  These parents often seem stern and serious around their children and offer little praise even when their kids have earned it, they are not particularly affectionate and rarely – if ever – say “I love you,” and if they are having a bad day they take it out on their children. 

This Low Warmth may be the result of how they were raised by their own parents, the culture that they were born into, or a mistaken belief that showing more Warmth would make their kids soft or self-centered.  As adults we can look back on our parents’ behavior and explain it (“Oh, she did that because of the culture she was raised in,”) and also justify it (“Now I understand that my dad loved me because he worked hard so that I had food to eat,”) but small children cannot think in such complicated ways.  Low Warmth is not ideal because it is not obvious enough; children are less likely to feel loved.

Another problem with Authoritarian parents is that they are too High in Control.  Control has to do with discipline, and we see that Authoritarian parents have too many rules and these rules are often better suited for older children or adults.  Because their expectations are too high, their kids often fail to meet them and are given harsh punishments.

Authoritarian parents also prize obedience to authority more than independent thinking.  They believe that if an adult or an authority figure tells you to do something, then you must do it without questioning.  They are not interested in dialoguing with older children about the household rules – in fact, an Authoritarian parent would get angry and punish a child for suggesting that a rule should be changed.

Baumrind (2013) further clarified that the Authoritarian parent uses a "coercive" type of Control; one that attempts to influence not only the behaviors, but also the thoughts and feelings of their children.  She writes: 

Coercive control is arbitrary, intrusive, and domineering, and directed not only at the child’s misbehavior but also at the child’s expression of initiative and agency (e.g., “You’re a disobedient child! Don’t you dare talk back to your mother!”). In contrast to coercive control, confrontive control [that is used by Authoritative parents] is reasoned, negotiable, and outcome-oriented, and directed at specific behaviors the child is doing that the parent wants the child to alter (e.g., “Stop teasing your brother”) or to do that she is not doing (e.g., “It’s time for you to go to bed”).... For authoritarian parents, obedience signifies deferential respect, a virtue to be rewarded, and disobedience signifies subversion of adult authority, a moral failing to be punished. (p. 431) 

Maybe Authoritarian parents were raised this way and so they are repeating the pattern.  It is also possible that they do not have an understanding of child development, so they do not know what are age-appropriate expectations for their kids.  Our culture tends to blame parents when children are disruptive in public, so maybe these parents fear judgment from others and react by going overboard.  We also see that parents who have little control over their own adult work lives – instead they keep their job by following orders – are more likely to emphasize obedience to their children.

Children raised by Authoritarian parents are less helpful to others and are more likely to fear their parents rather than respect them; this can cause them to feel very angry toward their parents.  They usually follow the rules when a parent or authority figure is around, but when they are not, they tend to have bad behavior or be sneaky to get back at their parents whose rules and mind games they resent.  How many adults have purposely broken rules when their boss is not around in "revenge" for unfair work policies and unfair punishments?

When they grow up and move out of their parents’ home, they may “go crazy” with the freedom as they are not used to making choices or determining right or wrong on their own.  So if you really want good behavior from your kids and you want them to make good choices on their own, Authoritarian parenting is not the way to go.

Some limited research points to a situation in which it might be useful to be Authoritarian: raising children in dangerous, crime-filled neighborhoods.  Much like a military sergeant may keep troops safe by being stern and barking orders that – for life or death reasons – must be followed, these parents’ serious demeanors and High levels of Control may keep their children from joining gangs, committing crimes, or being shot for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  In these extreme living conditions, you could imagine that the problems associated with Authoritarian parenting may seem worth it if it keeps the kids safe in the moment.  However, this exception is still being debated, and psychologists still recommend Authoritative parenting for all families, regardless of where they live.

If you were raised by Authoritarian parents you may have decided that you never want to be like that with your own kids.  You plan on showing your love to your kids all the time and are aiming for a Medium level of Control, that is confrontive but not coercive.  It is pretty easy to show love to your kids, but if you never had a model for Medium Control, it would be difficult not to overcompensate and instead end up Low in Control.  Next week we will look at parents who are very loving to their children, but do not effectively influence their children’s behavior.

Further Reading:

At your local college library you can access a good historical review of parenting, including Baumrind's three styles: Maccoby, E. E. (1992) The role of parents in the socialization of children: An historical overview. Developmental Psychology, Vol 28(6), 1006-1017.

If you realize that you are frequently angry around your children, Ask Dr. Sears has some suggestions to help you.  These suggestions are not only good for parents but for anyone who struggles with daily frustrations.

A good guide to age-appropriate discipline at different ages from Canadian pediatricians (and the Further Reading section of this blog post includes a similar one from the U.S.).  This article explains the goals of discipline and offers suggestions for doctors and parents.

Parenting with Style: The Good Coach

Developmental and Clinical psychologist, Diana Baumrind's work on leadership styles spawned her investigation into how parents lead their families.  From these historic studies she generated three parenting styles.  This week we will look at the style that is usually considered to be best for most children:  Authoritative Parenting.

As you will see, the Authoritative parent is like a good coach or teacher.  Your coach cares about you and gives you praise or a pat on the back when you do well.  Your coach has high expectations about your performance - sometimes believing in what you can do even before you realize that you can.  A good coach has rules and if those rules are broken there is some sort of penalty - but these are fairly applied to everyone on the team.  Because of this a good coach is beloved and leads the team to victory!

Praise or a pat on the back are examples of Warmth: in last week's post we noted that Warmth has to do with all the ways parents can show love to their children.  Authoritative parents get it right by being High in Warmth:  they praise their kids when they make good choices; they are affectionate with their children and say "I love you;" and they don't take out the stress from their adult lives on their kids.  Their children do not have to guess if they are loved by their parents because they are given concrete evidence every day.

Having rules and consequences describes Control: you will remember that the ideal amount is Medium.  Authoritative parents also get this right:  they have control over their children's behavior because they have age-appropriate, reasonable rules that the child can successfully follow.  If those rules are broken, there are also reasonable, age-appropriate punishments that will occur.  Those consequences are predictable and happen every time the rules are broken.  Children of Authoritative parents have a clear road-map to the good behavior that is expected of them.  When they do not show that good behavior they also know that the consequence will always occur:  these won't be fun but these will be fair.

Another hallmark of Authoritative parents is that they want to teach their children to think independently about moral (right or wrong) situations.  They want their kids to make good choices even when nobody is around to advise them and even when an authority figure is telling them to do something wrong.  To do this they engage in dialogue with older children and teens about the family rules:  this allows kids to give feedback about the age-appropriateness of the rules and the parents have a chance to teach the morals behind the rules.  For example, maybe a family has a rule that the kids get new shoes only at the start of the school year, but one of the kids wants a second pair:

Authoritative parents would hear the kid out, listening to all of his good and not so good reasons that he should have those shoes.  They wouldn't automatically cave to his demands; they wouldn't automatically cut him off to show parental power.  Instead, they would ask their son questions and clarify moral issues behind the rules.  Some morals from this situation might be: how money is shared in a family; what is the importance of things over people; resisting pressure from advertising.

In the end, the Authoritative parent is the one who makes the decision to keep or modify the family rule.  So the parent might tell the son, "no," because bending the rule would not be fair to the other kids in the family.  The parent could also say, "yes," with a qualification:  maybe they will buy the shoes but the child has to do extra chores to earn possession of them with allowance money.  Possibly, the parent would say "yes," and buy them right away - not for a lame reason - but maybe in the discussion the child offered a really good reason, like safety when he walks to school in the morning while it is still somewhat dark outside.  Regardless of yes or no, this version of Medium control teaches the children how to think rationally about moral problems.

For most children the best outcomes occur when they have at least one Authoritative parent.  These children tend to have the best social skills and good relationships with other kids and with adults.  In addition, both at home and at school, these children show the best behavior!  Not surprisingly, they demonstrate age-appropriate independence and are likely to make the right choice even when their parents are not around.  Overall, these children are fun to be around, have a healthy level of confidence, and are highly competent for their ages.

When I lecture about Authoritative parents, some of my students seem doubtful that such good behavior can occur without harsh rules and harsh punishment.  It could be that these students grew up with a different type of parent or are raising their own children in a high risk environment.  Next week we'll talk about a High Control parenting style and the situations that may call for it.

Further Reading:

At your local college library you can access a good historical review of parenting, including Baumrind's three styles: Maccoby, E. E. (1992) The role of parents in the socialization of children: An historical overview. Developmental Psychology, Vol 28(6), 1006-1017.

More details on Authoritative parenting from the Parenting Science website.

Good advice on Medium Control discipline from the Sears family of pediatricians and nurses.

Parenting with Style: Warmth; Control; Involvement

School's out for Summer!  The kids are home all day and parents are growing in appreciation for teachers with each passing moment!

In honor of this, That's Psych! will focus on Parenting Styles for the month of June.

Psychologists usually evaluate parenting based on three dimensions: Warmth; Control; and Involvement.  Warmth has to do with how much parents express the love that they feel for their children. This love can be expressed through praising children when they do something well, hugs and kisses, saying, "I love you," and keeping things positive around the kids - shielding them from the ups and downs of the adults' own lives.  If parents frequently do these things, they are getting it right!  These parents would be considered to be High in Warmth.

On the other hand, parents who are Low in Warmth, may love their children, but they do not show it very much.  Instead they may appear stern, they are not very affectionate and rarely say "I love you," and if they have a bad day, they take it out on their kids by being grumpy around them.

Control has to do with discipline:  does the parent have rules and, if those rules are broken, is there some kind of consequence?  The parents who get it right, are considered to be Medium in Control.  This means that they have rules, but these are age-appropriate and sensible.  It also means that when these rules are broken, there is some sort of consequence, but this punishment is also age-appropriate and sensible.  These parents are really interested in teaching children the moral, or the reason, behind the rules.  For example, you don't hit people because it is not okay to hurt others.

In contrast, parents who are High in Control have too many rules and they often expect their children to behave as if they are older than they really are.  If expectations are too high, it means that the kids will often fail at following these rules; a parent who is High in Control also gives very harsh punishment as a consequence.  These parents are really interested in their children obeying authority: it does not matter why there is a rule, if an adult tells you to do something you must do it.

We can also find parents who are very Low in Control.  These parents either don't have rules or have very few rules for their children.  It may be that they don't expect enough from their children as they grow up.  If a rule is broken, these parents rarely have consequences for their children, or the punishment is so light that it has little effect.  These parents aren't interested in playing a role in shaping their children's behavior by teaching right from wrong.

In addition to Warmth and Control, parents can also differ in the amount of Involvement that they have in their children's lives.  Parents who are High in Involvement really know their children:  they know what is happening in their daily lives and in their inner lives.  For example, a parent who is High in Involvement would know the names of the child's friends and teachers, the child's favorite and most despised foods,  and what scares the child the most.  These parents spend quality time with their children and, just like Involvement, usually get Warmth and Control right.

A parent who is Low in Involvement would not know the details of the child's daily life or emotional life.  Often these parents spend little quality time with their children, and are likely to show problems with Warmth and Control.

In the next four blog posts, we'll feature the different types of parents and how they stack up on Warmth, Control, and by association, Involvement.  Parenting styles are in fashion this June!

Further Reading:

Want some ideas about showing High Warmth to your kids?  The Baby Center has ideas for young children and Psychology Today has ideas for teens.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has a website for parents: healthychildren.org .  Look here for good suggestions about discipline and how to be Medium in Control.

Related to Involvement, here is an article from The Daily Telegraph that includes 25 questions to ask your children.