Parenting with Poor Style: The Friend

In the film “Mary Poppins” Mr. Banks and his children sing about the characteristics of an ideal nanny.  Mr. Banks would like an Authoritarian caregiver, one who is Low in Warmth and very High in Control like a military sergeant, and the children would prefer somebody who is simply kind, fun, and makes few demands on your behavior…much like a friend. 

Jane and Michael Banks think that the ideal caregiver would be a person who is very High in Warmth yet very Low in Control.  Baumrind described this combination as the Indulgent or Permissive Parent.  Although this parenting style may sound good to most children, this style is not associated with the best outcomes.

Permissive parents get half of the equation right by being High in Warmth.  We know that children do best when parents frequently and overtly express love to them.  So these parents praise their kids when they do something well, they hug and kiss their children and say, “I love you,” and they keep things positive at home to buffer them from the stresses of adult life.  Their children know that they are loved.

 
















Permissive parents fall short when it comes to disciplining their children:  they are too Low in Control.  Part of Control involves setting rules and the ideal, as demonstrated by the Authoritative parent, is having age-appropriate rules that are clearly communicated to the child.  The Permissive parent, like Mrs. George (played by Amy Poehler) from "Mean Girls," may have no rules or very few rules; if there are rules they may be too lenient or inappropriate for the child’s age.  
 

Rules allow us to feel confident:  we don’t have to guess what is right and wrong all of the time and it is easy to know how to be successful.  Children raised with Low Control may feel unsafe or unsure because it is largely up to them to guess what are good or bad choices.  You might have a similar sort of feeling if your professor just said, “Write some sort of paper on a Child Development topic and turn it in.”  You would be nervous because you might guess correctly about the paper’s format, length, topic, and due date and do okay OR you might make mistakes due to lack of information and get a bad grade. It is not clear what you need to do to be successful.

Another aspect of Control has to do with punishments and the ideal that is demonstrated by the Authoritative parent, is having age-appropriate consequences that occur every single time that the rule is broken.  The Permissive parent may not have any consequences or such easy consequences that the child may not mind them.  It is also possible that the parent does not follow through to make sure that a consequence happens:  they are all bark and no bite.  A basic idea from Skinner’s Operant Conditioning is that punishing behaviors will stop them from occurring in the future; without unpleasant consequences children are likely to continue bad behaviors.

These parents may consciously want to avoid influencing their children’s behavior:  maybe they were raised by a very controlling, Authoritarian parent so they have the mistaken idea that any Control is bad.  It may also be that they do not have a good concept of Child Development or they do not spend quality time with their children so they do not know what behaviors they should expect from kids of that age.  You could also imagine that very young parents may still feel like kids themselves, so they literally view their children as their peers and try to be their kids’ friends.  It could also be that parents are too stressed from their adult lives and don’t want to get into an argument with their kids – think about divorced parents who only want to the kids to have fun during their time together. 

Regardless of the reason, the outcome is negative:  as you might imagine the children exhibit high amounts of bad behavior.  When they go to school they may struggle when they are asked to follow rules and deal with consequences.  The goal of discipline is not just to have children behave well while they are young, but it is to socialize children into society so they ultimately will grow up to be productive adults who follow the norms and laws of their culture.  A child raised with Low Control is not getting that socialization.

Another type of parent who is also Low in Control was added by Eleanor Maccoby to Baumrind’s original list of Permissive, Authoritarian, and Authoritative.  Next week we’ll look at this Indifferent-Uninvolved parent who is not only Low in Control, but also Low in Warmth.

Further Reading: 

At your local college library you can access a good historical review of parenting, including Baumrind's three styles: Maccoby, E. E. (1992) The role of parents in the socialization of children: An historical overview. Developmental Psychology, Vol 28(6), 1006-1017.

A Psychology Today blog post by Jay Belsky: "Parent to Child:  I am not your friend (nor should I be)."

Listen to a Speaking of Psychology podcast from the American Psychological Association featuring Alan Kazdin.  After the funky introductory music...a discussion of how to discipline children and teens.