Parenting with Poor Style: The Friend

In the film “Mary Poppins” Mr. Banks and his children sing about the characteristics of an ideal nanny.  Mr. Banks would like an Authoritarian caregiver, one who is Low in Warmth and very High in Control like a military sergeant, and the children would prefer somebody who is simply kind, fun, and makes few demands on your behavior…much like a friend. 

Jane and Michael Banks think that the ideal caregiver would be a person who is very High in Warmth yet very Low in Control.  Baumrind described this combination as the Indulgent or Permissive Parent.  Although this parenting style may sound good to most children, this style is not associated with the best outcomes.

Permissive parents get half of the equation right by being High in Warmth.  We know that children do best when parents frequently and overtly express love to them.  So these parents praise their kids when they do something well, they hug and kiss their children and say, “I love you,” and they keep things positive at home to buffer them from the stresses of adult life.  Their children know that they are loved.

 
















Permissive parents fall short when it comes to disciplining their children:  they are too Low in Control.  Part of Control involves setting rules and the ideal, as demonstrated by the Authoritative parent, is having age-appropriate rules that are clearly communicated to the child.  The Permissive parent, like Mrs. George (played by Amy Poehler) from "Mean Girls," may have no rules or very few rules; if there are rules they may be too lenient or inappropriate for the child’s age.  
 

Rules allow us to feel confident:  we don’t have to guess what is right and wrong all of the time and it is easy to know how to be successful.  Children raised with Low Control may feel unsafe or unsure because it is largely up to them to guess what are good or bad choices.  You might have a similar sort of feeling if your professor just said, “Write some sort of paper on a Child Development topic and turn it in.”  You would be nervous because you might guess correctly about the paper’s format, length, topic, and due date and do okay OR you might make mistakes due to lack of information and get a bad grade. It is not clear what you need to do to be successful.

Another aspect of Control has to do with punishments and the ideal that is demonstrated by the Authoritative parent, is having age-appropriate consequences that occur every single time that the rule is broken.  The Permissive parent may not have any consequences or such easy consequences that the child may not mind them.  It is also possible that the parent does not follow through to make sure that a consequence happens:  they are all bark and no bite.  A basic idea from Skinner’s Operant Conditioning is that punishing behaviors will stop them from occurring in the future; without unpleasant consequences children are likely to continue bad behaviors.

These parents may consciously want to avoid influencing their children’s behavior:  maybe they were raised by a very controlling, Authoritarian parent so they have the mistaken idea that any Control is bad.  It may also be that they do not have a good concept of Child Development or they do not spend quality time with their children so they do not know what behaviors they should expect from kids of that age.  You could also imagine that very young parents may still feel like kids themselves, so they literally view their children as their peers and try to be their kids’ friends.  It could also be that parents are too stressed from their adult lives and don’t want to get into an argument with their kids – think about divorced parents who only want to the kids to have fun during their time together. 

Regardless of the reason, the outcome is negative:  as you might imagine the children exhibit high amounts of bad behavior.  When they go to school they may struggle when they are asked to follow rules and deal with consequences.  The goal of discipline is not just to have children behave well while they are young, but it is to socialize children into society so they ultimately will grow up to be productive adults who follow the norms and laws of their culture.  A child raised with Low Control is not getting that socialization.

Another type of parent who is also Low in Control was added by Eleanor Maccoby to Baumrind’s original list of Permissive, Authoritarian, and Authoritative.  Next week we’ll look at this Indifferent-Uninvolved parent who is not only Low in Control, but also Low in Warmth.

Further Reading: 

At your local college library you can access a good historical review of parenting, including Baumrind's three styles: Maccoby, E. E. (1992) The role of parents in the socialization of children: An historical overview. Developmental Psychology, Vol 28(6), 1006-1017.

A Psychology Today blog post by Jay Belsky: "Parent to Child:  I am not your friend (nor should I be)."

Listen to a Speaking of Psychology podcast from the American Psychological Association featuring Alan Kazdin.  After the funky introductory music...a discussion of how to discipline children and teens.

Parenting with Style: The Good Coach

Developmental and Clinical psychologist, Diana Baumrind's work on leadership styles spawned her investigation into how parents lead their families.  From these historic studies she generated three parenting styles.  This week we will look at the style that is usually considered to be best for most children:  Authoritative Parenting.

As you will see, the Authoritative parent is like a good coach or teacher.  Your coach cares about you and gives you praise or a pat on the back when you do well.  Your coach has high expectations about your performance - sometimes believing in what you can do even before you realize that you can.  A good coach has rules and if those rules are broken there is some sort of penalty - but these are fairly applied to everyone on the team.  Because of this a good coach is beloved and leads the team to victory!

Praise or a pat on the back are examples of Warmth: in last week's post we noted that Warmth has to do with all the ways parents can show love to their children.  Authoritative parents get it right by being High in Warmth:  they praise their kids when they make good choices; they are affectionate with their children and say "I love you;" and they don't take out the stress from their adult lives on their kids.  Their children do not have to guess if they are loved by their parents because they are given concrete evidence every day.

Having rules and consequences describes Control: you will remember that the ideal amount is Medium.  Authoritative parents also get this right:  they have control over their children's behavior because they have age-appropriate, reasonable rules that the child can successfully follow.  If those rules are broken, there are also reasonable, age-appropriate punishments that will occur.  Those consequences are predictable and happen every time the rules are broken.  Children of Authoritative parents have a clear road-map to the good behavior that is expected of them.  When they do not show that good behavior they also know that the consequence will always occur:  these won't be fun but these will be fair.

Another hallmark of Authoritative parents is that they want to teach their children to think independently about moral (right or wrong) situations.  They want their kids to make good choices even when nobody is around to advise them and even when an authority figure is telling them to do something wrong.  To do this they engage in dialogue with older children and teens about the family rules:  this allows kids to give feedback about the age-appropriateness of the rules and the parents have a chance to teach the morals behind the rules.  For example, maybe a family has a rule that the kids get new shoes only at the start of the school year, but one of the kids wants a second pair:

Authoritative parents would hear the kid out, listening to all of his good and not so good reasons that he should have those shoes.  They wouldn't automatically cave to his demands; they wouldn't automatically cut him off to show parental power.  Instead, they would ask their son questions and clarify moral issues behind the rules.  Some morals from this situation might be: how money is shared in a family; what is the importance of things over people; resisting pressure from advertising.

In the end, the Authoritative parent is the one who makes the decision to keep or modify the family rule.  So the parent might tell the son, "no," because bending the rule would not be fair to the other kids in the family.  The parent could also say, "yes," with a qualification:  maybe they will buy the shoes but the child has to do extra chores to earn possession of them with allowance money.  Possibly, the parent would say "yes," and buy them right away - not for a lame reason - but maybe in the discussion the child offered a really good reason, like safety when he walks to school in the morning while it is still somewhat dark outside.  Regardless of yes or no, this version of Medium control teaches the children how to think rationally about moral problems.

For most children the best outcomes occur when they have at least one Authoritative parent.  These children tend to have the best social skills and good relationships with other kids and with adults.  In addition, both at home and at school, these children show the best behavior!  Not surprisingly, they demonstrate age-appropriate independence and are likely to make the right choice even when their parents are not around.  Overall, these children are fun to be around, have a healthy level of confidence, and are highly competent for their ages.

When I lecture about Authoritative parents, some of my students seem doubtful that such good behavior can occur without harsh rules and harsh punishment.  It could be that these students grew up with a different type of parent or are raising their own children in a high risk environment.  Next week we'll talk about a High Control parenting style and the situations that may call for it.

Further Reading:

At your local college library you can access a good historical review of parenting, including Baumrind's three styles: Maccoby, E. E. (1992) The role of parents in the socialization of children: An historical overview. Developmental Psychology, Vol 28(6), 1006-1017.

More details on Authoritative parenting from the Parenting Science website.

Good advice on Medium Control discipline from the Sears family of pediatricians and nurses.